I am a fan of Bollywood music, to the chagrin of my musically evolved brother. I don’t openly confess this, but 80% of my playlist is sappy songs from Hindi movies (The rest is sappy songs from across the globe, sappy being the operative word). Anyhow, despite my general affinity, I must admit that much too often, Bollywood composes the crappiest songs ever heard. Even if you excuse the repetitive melody, the lyrics force one to question the sanity of the creator.
Some of these songs, then, go on to become runaway hits – leaving an indelible imprint of their distasteful poetry in our minds. Here is a list that would ruin your day, as you keep humming the trashy numbers while struggling to forget them:
Jab Tak Rahega Samose Mein Aloo
This song belongs to the Golden Era of horrendous poetry in Bollywood – the 90s. I cannot put myself through the torture of listing out all the Govinda/Karishma/Raveena/Akshay songs that were equally disgusting. In my opinion, this one is holding a torch for all of them. This song was made to appeal to the two sensibilities that Indians thrive on – sensuality and hunger. It delves deep to unearth the connection between the hungry and the horny. There is samosa, aloo, chutney, idli, dosa – the whole frikkin’ eat street, as a metaphor for the passion that the protagonists feel. Fair warning – listen with some snacks handy, this will make you hungry!
Bhai is a whole new world of weird-ass songs! From advertising imposed romance (“Mamma says you love me, Pappa says you love me, love me baby love me”) to instant narcissism (”Chal beta selfie le le re”), he has lipped it all in his ridiculous (and ever popular) songs. What makes Dhinka Chika special is its attempt to make it a learning tool. See, like many nursery rhymes that put a series in sing-song mode for easier learning, this song lists the months of the year. It enumerates ways in which Bhai would manifest his supreme love for his lady through the various months and seasons – what a thoughtful man! By the time ‘December’ comes in the song, you would want it so bad for the year to end! Oh, and if you are an educator looking for a list of similar songs, listen to Somwaar ko hum Mile, Mangalbar ko nain, ABCD…I Love You, Mere baap ki beti mujhe bhai bolti and so on.
The song starts with a Dictionary definition of the Punjabi word ‘tooh’ and justifies why there should be a song about it. I mean all the Angrez are always singing about booty shooty, so why can’t we annoy the world with ‘Tooh Tooh Tooh Tooh…..’. It also clarifies that the only asses worth shaking are the ‘gore gore’ ones, if yours isn’t, get Fair and Lovely dude! And, then brace yourself for the long queues and police raids to control your rogue ass. Huh, who knew you need a song like that to exist? Of course, Kareena keeps outdoing herself in this department. I am still trying to understand the meaning of the Fevicol song. I will update you once I know more.
Objectification of women in Bollywood lyrics is so common, that it doesn’t even ring as offensive anymore. I mean, Honey Singh, right! But, add abject stupidity to objectification and the result is Hookah Bar! The woman is equated to a cigar, whose toxic fumes have incapacitated the man and frozen his brain beyond repair. The addict in the song is unclear whether he wants the girl, or just more nicotine, really.
The first time I heard this song, I was incredulous about it being an original and not a spoof. The song lists out the guest list that includes some uncomfortable acquaintances like the ex, girlfriend ki ex and so on. The composer has also discovered the exact juncture when a boy crosses over from being lusted over by young chicas to being lusted over by cougars! The birthday boy is let loose with hot chicks and thandey cans to play one-day instead of his year-long test match show. So, Naach Pajama Pakad ke Patthey! Holy hell.
Of course, there are tons more. Do you really want me to put you through this? Which song is on your pet peeve list? Let us know by commenting below!
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