The lure of the well draped saree is inexorable. Some real women, and most mannequins, make it look like the fabric liquefied and followed the curves of their bodies maintaining six sigma accuracy. The saree seems to hide magically all that is imperfect with a woman’s body, leaving an aura of divinity around the woman. One cannot blame me therefore, when I end up spending beyond my means to procure a saree, that often, I must admit, doesn’t see the light of day – or night! These are the 4 stages of saree troubles, that haunt me every time I decide to wear a saree:
Stage 1: Indecision Personified
On the D Day, however, the plan crumbles like a pack of cards. First up, where the hell is the matching underskirt? The blouse, invariably, is either a tad too tight or made for an ogre. And even if I find everything at one go, the ensemble looks horrible together. Imagine going back to the drawing board, while the husband, ready and impatient, is hounding your every step!
Stage 2: Drape it already
Boy, the brouhaha I create getting the drape on. I need the assistance of three to four highly efficient individuals. My husband is the wing-man, providing a consistent supply of cool air, and water, to keep my nerves steady through the process.
I haven’t met two women who see eye to eye on how the pleats should look. One expert would do it for me, only to merit dismissive grunts from the one observing. The observer would then be challenged to do it better, and the whole process would restart. After multiple passes, they would dispassionately agree to give up, and blame the saree, or worse, my shape, for their utter failure!
Now, no matter how many times you purchase bunches with seemingly infinite safety pins, they would be conspicuously MIA. A frantic search would uncover a feeble one that would fail to stand the weight of the saree. I would decide that I deserve the worst in life and make do anyhow.
Stage 3: The Mane Problem
I am quite certain my hair is bewitched to misbehave in times of crisis. And saree draping is such an appropriate occasion for mischief. I would have taken internet tutorials for exotic buns in vain. All attempts at novelty would end up looking like a bushel of fibers exploded on my head. Brush and leave, lady!
Stage 4: Cinderella Syndrome
It is imperative to get a selfie within the first 15 minutes of tying the saree up. There is absolutely no guarantee how long the drape will last. It is impossible to sit, stand or walk normally, while in a saree, and the need for high heels makes the job infinitely tougher. So, enjoy your godliness while it lasts, which would be a very short while.
Despite all the above, if you have it in you to brave it, a saree truly is the most elegant outfit in the world. No seriously!
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