One of the most annoying Millenial rants is about the absurdity of the Bollywood romances of the ’90s. Wake up, people, Bollywood is the factory of the lovable ludicrous. Why the hate? I recently read an article, that was aimed at dissecting the romantic classics of the ’90s, to unearth the stupidity of the plot, characters, and presentation. There was also a subtle hat tip to the evolved audience of today, who sees through the nonsense, with practiced ease. So, one would imagine that, in the 2000s and beyond, Bollywood movies have demonstrated much deeper romantic values, right? I decided to put them under the same scanner. And, these are the harsh truths about 2000’s Bollywood romantic movies, that I found worth listing:
Jab we Met was a Revenge Movie
There is actually no other way to look at this. The female lead, Geet, gold digs the depressed, naive, rich boy to gallivant around North India, in pursuit of a lukewarm boyfriend.
When there are such deep pockets to dig, why not take the long route from Bhatinda to Manali, via Ladakh!
Pretty boy boyfriend dumps her, right after deep pockets has departed. That’s when Geet launches her long-drawn, revenge plot. She lurks in Simla, completely ignoring ‘deep pockets’ public overtures to woo her (He named his flagship product on her, bro!). She eventually draws ‘lame boyfriend of the year’, out of Manali, again unabashedly using ‘friend-zoned’ rich boy’s resources, makes him cross the exact distance she traversed – all the way to sada Bhatinda, before she dumps him for deep pockets, in front of the whole fraternity. Tell me, where is the stunning romance hidden, in all this agenda?
Band Bajaa “Bad Boy Syndrome”
Okay, let’s zoom ahead a few more years into the current decade. Things are much better, everyone’s much cooler, and women want to be bad ass tycoons, yeah! But, they promptly find an unlikely ‘bijness’ partner, sleep around, and destroy the business – because why not? And, when the business is broken up, do what any respectable woman would do – heal the broken business, and the broken heart, with a ‘rishta from Dubai’. Family pressure, oye, on our fragile little, million Rupees, tycoon woman.
I have never felt so bad for anyone in the movies, as I have for the poor f*&# named Chetan (aka Chirkoot), in this love saga. Our Lady Bijness Ethics, has terrible moral sense, when it comes to treating fiances.
She quite happily tolerates Chetan’s over-sentimentality, till bad boy comes sniffing back, with threats and what not. And, then she dumps said ‘Krrrrect’ boy, over a phone call.
What the hell is happening here? This recipe was repeated, with a lot more fervor, in the likes of Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani later. Bad boys never really go out of fashion, it would seem.
Also Read: Why Dangal is the best of Bollywood 2016?
Vicky Donor –The Return of the Creep and the Clueless
Remember the stalking creep of the ’90s, he makes a snazzy comeback with this one. His cover is that of the Aryan avatar, who looks cute, sings tolerably well, and saves the planet from infertility, in his spare time. Oh wait, his entire life is a continuous high-tide of spare time. When he stalks and woos the lady of his life, he conveniently forgets to mention that he does nothing for a living, other than ‘donate’ his body fluid ‘elixir’ for posterity. The movie should have been ideally titled Vicky Seller, cause there is no charity going on in any frame!
The leading lady, on the other hand, should be given an award for stupidity. She was duped by the excuse of ‘import-export’. Here I thought, that career died with Amitabh Bachhan’s first innings. Lady, meet the internet. Internet, meet stupidest woman on the planet.
Rockstar or ADHM – When Stalker meets Cock-tease
It has been highlighted before, but I will reiterate, Rockstar and ADHM are the exact same movies, with the same leading man (Ranbir should really start reading the scripts). So, think of any one of them when you read this.
Crazy guy sees girl, wants girl, and stalks girl. Said girl is a sadistic cock-tease, who hangs with the desperate man, before marrying a much better ‘prospect’. Until, until, man becomes a successful singer. Woah! Get me my Rockstar back, then! But, wait, cancer, Karma, trouble, death, forever heartbroken. How is this a love-formula worth remaking twice in the same decade?
Make up your God Damn Minds, Befikre
There is so much veneration for indecisive vacillations in today’s romance. From Shudh Desi Romance, to Befikre, the confused idiots are plain annoying.
They fall in love repeatedly, with the same people, only to break up again. It is like watching Elizabeth Taylor’s love life in a slow-motion loop.
And, it is not pretty. Adulting is hard, marriage is a prison, loneliness hurts! Gaaaaah. Heard that, stop now! Go crib about growing up in your mother’s parlor, spare us the headache. It is not interesting, it is far from romantic, when 25 somethings behave like high-schoolers. But, then, welcome to millenial romance.
Bottom line, Bollywood is not growing up to be more sensitive, or pragmatic. It remains exactly where it was three decades ago: a mildly logic defying, glamour machine. Anyone who thinks otherwise is fooling themselves. Enjoy the eye-candy, people. Let’s not get elitist about our Masala Entertainment!
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